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7 Solutions That Can Save a Relationship

7 Solutions That Can Save a Relationship

 

It's the rare couple that doesn't run into a few bumps in the road. If you recognize ahead of time, though, what those relationship problems might be, you'll have a much better chance of getting past them.

Even though every relationship has its ups and downs, successful couples have learned how to manage the bumps and keep their love life going, says marriage and family therapist Mitch Temple, author of The Marriage Turnaround. They hang in there, tackle problems, and learn how to work through the complex issues of everyday life. Many do this by reading self-help books and articles, attending seminars, going to counseling, observing other successful couples, or simply using trial and error.

Relationship Problem: Communication

 

All relationship problems stem from poor communication, according to Elaine Fantle Shimberg, author of Blending Families. "You can't communicate while you're checking your BlackBerry, watching TV, or flipping through the sports section," she says.

Problem-solving strategies:

·         Make an actual appointment with each other, Shimberg says. If you live together, put the cell phones on vibrate, put the kids to bed, and let voicemail pick up your calls.

·         If you can't "communicate" without raising your voices, go to a public spot like the library, park, or restaurant where you'd be embarrassed if anyone saw you screaming.

·         Set up some rules. Try not to interrupt until your partner is through speaking, or ban phrases such as "You always ..." or "You never ...."

·         Use body language to show you're listening. Don’t doodle, look at your watch, or pick at your nails. Nod so the other person knows you're getting the message, and rephrase if you need to. For instance, say, "What I hear you saying is that you feel as though you have more chores at home, even though we're both working." If you're right, the other can confirm. If what the other person really meant was, "Hey, you're a slob and you create more work for me by having to pick up after you," he or she can say so, but in a nicer way.

Relationship Problem: Sex

 

Even partners who love each other can be a mismatch, sexually. Mary Jo Fay, author of Please Dear, Not Tonight, says a lack of sexual self-awareness and education worsens these problems. But having sex is one of the last things you should give up, Fay says. "Sex," she says, "brings us closer together, releases hormones that help our bodies both physically and mentally, and keeps the chemistry of a healthy couple healthy."

Problem-solving strategies:

·         Plan, plan, plan. Fay suggests making an appointment, but not necessarily at night when everyone is tired. Maybe during the baby's Saturday afternoon nap or a "before-work quickie." Ask friends or family to take the kids every other Friday night for a sleepover. "When sex is on the calendar, it increases your anticipation," Fay says. Changing things up a bit can make sex more fun, too, she says. Why not have sex in the kitchen? Or by the fire? Or standing up in the hallway?

·         Learn what truly turns you and your partner on by each of you coming up with a personal "Sexy List," suggests California psychotherapist Allison Cohen. Swap the lists and use them to create more scenarios that turn you both on.

·         If your sexual relationship problems can't be resolved on your own, Fay recommends consulting a qualified sex therapist to help you both address and resolve your issues.

 

Relationship Problem: Money

 

Money problems can start even before the wedding vows are exchanged. They can stem, for example, from the expenses of courtship or from the high cost of a wedding. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling (NFCC) recommends that couples who have money woes take a deep breath and have a serious conversation about finances.

Problem-solving strategies:

·         Be honest about your current financial situation. If things have gone south, continuing the same lifestyle is unrealistic.

·         Don't approach the subject in the heat of battle. Instead, set aside a time that is convenient and non-threatening for both of you.

·         Acknowledge that one partner may be a saver and one a spender, understand there are benefits to both, and agree to learn from each other's tendencies.

·         Don't hide income or debt. Bring financial documents, including a recent credit report, pay stubs, bank statements, insurance policies, debts, and investments to the table.

·         Don't blame.

·         Construct a joint budget that includes savings.

·         Decide which person will be responsible for paying the monthly bills.

·         Allow each person to have independence by setting aside money to be spent at his or her discretion.

·         Decide upon short-term and long-term goals. It's OK to have individual goals, but you should have family goals, too.

·         Talk about caring for your parents as they age and how to appropriately plan for their financial needs if needed.

Relationship Problem: Struggles Over Home Chores

 

Most partners work outside the home and often at more than one job. So it's important to fairly divide the labor at home, says Paulette Kouffman-Sherman, author of Dating From the Inside Out.

Problem-solving strategies:

·         Be organized and clear about your respective jobs in the home, Kouffman-Sherman says. "Write all the jobs down and agree on who does what." Be fair so no resentment builds.

·         Be open to other solutions, she says. If you both hate housework, maybe you can spring for a cleaning service. If one of you likes housework, the other partner can do the laundry and the yard. You can be creative and take preferences into account -- as long as it feels fair to both of you.

Relationship Problem: Not Making Your Relationship a Priority

 

If you want to keep your love life going, making your relationship a focal point should not end when you say "I do." "Relationships lose their luster. So make yours a priority," says Karen Sherman, author ofMarriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, and Make It Last.

Problem-solving strategies:

·         Do the things you used to do when you were first dating: Show appreciation, compliment each other, contact each other through the day, and show interest in each other.

·         Plan date nights. Schedule time together on the calendar just as you would any other important event in your life.

·         Respect one another. Say "thank you," and "I appreciate..." It lets your partner know that they matter.

Relationship Problem: Conflict

 

Occasional conflict is a part of life, according to New York-based psychologist Susan Silverman. But if you and your partner feel like you're starring in your own nightmare version of the movie Groundhog Day -- i.e. the same lousy situations keep repeating day after day -- it's time to break free of this toxic routine. When you make the effort, you can lessen the anger and take a calm look at underlying issues.

Problem-solving strategies:

You and your partner can learn to argue in a more civil, helpful manner, Silverman says. Make these strategies part of who you are in this relationship.

·         Realize you are not a victim. It is your choice whether you react and how you react.

·         Be honest with yourself. When you're in the midst of an argument, are your comments geared toward resolving the conflict, or are you looking for payback? If your comments are blaming and hurtful, it's best to take a deep breath and change your strategy.

·         Change it up. If you continue to respond in the way that's brought you pain and unhappiness in the past, you can't expect a different result this time. Just one little shift can make a big difference. If you usually jump right in to defend yourself before your partner is finished speaking, hold off for a few moments. You'll be surprised at how such a small shift in tempo can change the whole tone of an argument.

·         Give a little; get a lot. Apologize when you're wrong. Sure it's tough, but just try it and watch something wonderful happen.

"You can't control anyone else's behavior," Silverman says. "The only one in your charge is you."

Relationship Problem: Trust

 

Trust is a key part of a relationship. Do you see certain things that cause you not to trust your partner? Or do you have unresolved issues that prevent you from trusting others?

Problem-solving strategies:

You and your partner can develop trust in each other by following these tips, Fay says.

·         Be consistent.

·         Be on time.

·         Do what you say you will do.

·         Don't lie -- not even little white lies to your partner or to others.

·         Be fair, even in an argument.

·         Be sensitive to the other's feelings. You can still disagree, but don't discount how your partner is feeling.

·         Call when you say you will.

·         Call to say you'll be home late.

·         Carry your fair share of the workload.

·         Don't overreact when things go wrong.

·         Never say things you can't take back.

·         Don't dig up old wounds.

·         Respect your partner's boundaries.

·         Don’t be jealous.

·         Be a good listener.

Even though there are always going to be problems in a relationship, Sherman says you both can do things to minimize marriage problems, if not avoid them altogether.

First, be realistic. Thinking your mate will meet all your needs -- and will be able to figure them out without your asking -- is a Hollywood fantasy. "Ask for what you need directly," she says.

Next, use humor -- learn to let things go and enjoy one another more.

Finally, be willing to work on your relationship and to truly look at what needs to be done. Don't think that things would be better with someone else. Unless you address problems, the same lack of skills that get in the way now will still be there and still cause problems no matter what relationship you're in.

 

Men Women Want to Date vs. Men Women Want to Marry

 

How do women decide if they want to date you or marry you? Here’s the real difference between being date material and husband material.

One is not better than the other, and at some stages of your life, you may want to be the guy she wants to date, and at others *probably later on*, you want to be the guy that she wants to marry.

So what makes a guy an attractive dating prospect?

The man that women want to date is exciting. If a woman is just looking to date and not interested in a serious relationship, she wants to be with someone who is fun and interesting. Her priorities probably lie elsewhere such as her career.

The man that women want to have a serious relationship with and marry is someone whom she can envision spending the rest of her life with – safe, secure, and probably father material.

Knowing where you are in your life and what you are looking for will determine which archetype is going to lead to you successfully achieving what you desire – fun times with the woman you’re dating or a commitment that leads to marriage.

How to be the man she wants to date

Be exciting and unpredictable. Women crave spontaneity and excitement in their lives, and if you provide it, she will be extremely happy to date you. Way too many men nowadays play it so safe that they become boring.

They put women on a pedestal too much and kiss ass in hopes of being rewarded with intimacy. Unfortunately for them, this is a massive turn off for many women.

Woman tend to date “bad boys,” especially when they are younger and their priorities lie elsewhere. They know that the relationship is likely not going to go anywhere, so they opt for the most fun option – going for the guy who is most attractive at the moment, even if they rationally know that it is not going to lead to anything serious. Men who are looking to date and not get into a serious relationship typically want to know how to become this guy

The term “bad boy” can be slightly misleading, as it doesn’t mean you are actually a bad person or that you treat women badly. It is just a label that describes men who are unpredictable, uninterested in anything serious *almost to the point of emotional distance*, and exciting enough to give women the thrill they crave.

They’re looking to get the most out of their life *and that includes experience with relationships*, and the idea of settling down isn’t particularly appealing to them.

Some of these traits don’t sound especially pleasant, but it is not coming from a nasty place – just forging their own path in life, and if people want to come along for the ride, that’s great. If not, that’s great too.

Think of the action movie characters that women swoon over, like James Bond or Jason Statham in The Transporter. They have these characteristics. They have their mission in the world and go about it with little regard for what others think, which is exactly why they are so attractive.

This guy has many options when it comes to women. He has not heavily invested in any one person, but is rather content on his own. He might play the field, or he might just date casually and spend the bulk of his time doing other things. The fact that other women like him and his thrill-seeking ways acts as a kind of social proof. If others like him, there must be something attractive about him, the subconscious mind thinks.

The above stated traits are still universally attractive to women, but to be the guy she wants to settle down with forever, your priorities and actions need to be different.

You don’t want to be predictable and boring, but you should be secure and safe. She wants to know that you can take care of a family, will provide, and be a good father. Whether you want to have kids straight away, later, or not at all, the traits of a good father will be similar to those of a good husband.

Be strong and decisive, but at the same time, kind and emotionally connected at a deeper level with your family and loved ones. Have a sense of responsibility for your actions, but be ready to involve your partner in the decisions you wish to make. When you’re dating and especially when you’re young, being a starving artist or bartender is seen as “cool,” edgy, and not a bad thing at all. But when you are thinking about settling down, getting old together and having kids, women will value success and security. Having a good job and the means to support yourself is important.

No female wants to marry a guy she is going to have to provide for and treat like another child. This is why it’s a good idea to focus on your work and career to get your life in order before you think about settling downFollowing on from this, the decision to get into a serious relationship is not taken lightly, and the woman you want to be with will definitely consider the opinions of her close friends and family. Being a nice, reliable, and kind guy will endear you to those around her.

Show them that you can treat her well, and they will give their blessing. If her loved ones don’t like you, it may well put a stop to a budding serious relationship before it ever got started. Of course, you should not be a pushover and should still be your own man, following your dreams and passions, and working to live the life that you desire. The difference is now you desire marriage and a family in that life, which will become two of your top priorities.

Which one do you want to be?

In my opinion, a man should spend his youth focused on personal growth and building a life of success for himself and his future family. This means dating casually and gaining both relationship and general life experience through the teens and early twenties.

As you get to your mid to late twenties, you might decide it’s time to start thinking about marriage and a family, and move towards settling down. At this stage, you will need to consider your behavior and actions in line with your priorities. If you want to date, work on being attractive to women who only want to date around. If you want a more serious relationship, work on being stable and reliable.

On the flip side, if you have always been the “nice guy” who wants to escape the dreaded friend zone and enjoy a more fulfilling dating life, you will want to try and adopt some of the traits from the guy she wants to date.

I’m not saying you should be false or pretend to be something you are not. Rather, you want to actually reassess your perspective on women and relationships, and look at what you want to get out of it. If you want to date casually, but your behaviors are saying you want something serious, it is this mismatch that is damaging your success. Indeed, if you were looking for something more serious, you may find more success. But the key is to align your actions with your intentions

At the end of the day, being the guy she wants to date or the guy she wants to marry does not make you a different person. It is just a different perspective and intention at a different point in life. Your core personality will remain the same throughout, and you will still be you regardless.

 

13 Annoying Boyfriend Traits and How to Avoid Them

Ever wondered if you’re an annoying boyfriend? Well, here’s a list and if you indulge in any of these, rest assured, you’re definitely an annoying boyfriend material.

 

Ever considered yourself to be an annoying boyfriend?

Relationships are tricky, but some things are instinctive.

In love, boyfriends can be nice at times and at other times, they can be really annoying.

But seriously, there are a few things that most boyfriends do that are just not excusable at all!

So are you one of them?

Are you an annoying boyfriend?

Here are thirteen stubborn and annoying traits of an annoying boyfriend.

There may be a few more, but these pointers definitely top the most annoying things boyfriends do.

#1 Take me in the ass

This is just not good. We’re inviting you through the front door, so why the heck would you try poking your way through the back door?

Remember, an anal bang may seem exciting after watching a lot of porno, but almost all girls hate that kind of thing.

It’s creepy and almost any woman who’s tried it would tell you she feels like rushing to the loo each time you take her by surprise.

It’s scary, knee buckling and just gross. So stop pestering your girlfriend constantly to try new things in bed that could freak her out or even scare her. Deep throat, well, that’s an annoying boyfriend question too!

#2 Getting drunk on a date

Women just don’t like it when their boyfriend gets zonked out on a date. When you date a woman, remember your chivalry and understand that you have to protect her and take care of her.

Drink, but never to the point where you can’t drive back home or stand up straight.

When you go clubbing and get wasted like a heap of dung, it scares your girlfriend. The man she loves and trusts to take care of her is unconscious and helpless, and that’s just unacceptable and shattering. Repeat it a few times, and she may leave your annoying ass on the dance floor and go home with someone else!

#3 When you’re indifferent or rude

Women hate this about their boyfriends. Most men can be so frustrating at times. Ask a man “how do I look?” and almost always, he says “nice, yeah… umm hmm…” or “how many times do I have to tell you the same thing?!” without even looking at his girlfriend’s attire for a second! [

We know we’ve asked you how we look the last time we wore the same dress, but seriously, we like to be reassured and critiqued now and then. After all, we’re dressing up to look good in your arms. Can’t you help us feel good about ourselves when we’re going out? Is taking a few seconds out to help your girlfriend really too much to ask?

#4 Girlfriends don’t always need a sex machine

Every time we try to kiss you passionately or try to touch you all over, it doesn’t always mean we want you to take your clothes off in a flash and diveboard into bed.

We do love a good romp in bed, but sometimes we just want to have a good time feeling you up. It’s not foreplay, it’s sexy cuddling and girlfriends like it!

#5 When you get bored shopping

We understand that you take five minutes to pick an entire ensemble. Yeah, go nominate yourself for a world record. But you do understand that your girlfriend takes way longer than that, don’t you? So why is it always a surprise when you go shopping for more than a couple of hours with your girlfriend?

We don’t invite you to shop with us all the time, but on the rare occasion that we do invite you, do play nice. We’ll definitely give you a treat for being nice later!

#6 Exchanging glances with other girls

Now don’t get me wrong, your girlfriend doesn’t really care if you stare at another girl when you’re all by yourself. She may exchange glances at guys when she’s alone too.

But when you’re around your girlfriend, learn to respect her by not straying your eyes on every cleavage or butt that presents itself in front of you. Most guys just can’t restrict their ogling eyes even when they’re around their girlfriend and try exchanging glances with some other girl. That’s demeaning to girlfriends, and makes us feel insecure. After all, if you can stare hard at other girls in front of your girlfriend, who knows what you’d do behind her back? Now that’s definitely an annoying boyfriend trait.

#7 When you ask, but don’t listen

Do you really take your girlfriend seriously, and think she’s capable of giving you the right advice? Girls hate it when their boyfriends ask for advice, and then drift away, look lost or make up their own mind without even thinking about what their girlfriend has been talking about. You’d listen to your guy friends, so why do you assume your girlfriend is incapable of giving you a good solution to your problem?

Straight answer, ask us a question and listen to us when we answer it. Or just don’t ask us for our opinion! We really don’t like advising a damn wall.

#8 Flirting with your girlfriend’s friends

We know men can’t resist flirting with a good looking girl. And your girlfriend does know when you’re flirting with one of her friends. Firstly, you’re being a jerk when you do that.

What’s even more annoying is when your girlfriend tells you not to flirt with her friend, and you say you never flirted at all, and it was her friend who was hitting on you all the while. You know, if you ever say that, that’s the lamest no-balls excuse you could ever give your girlfriend.

#9 When you’re being a sexist

Men have epic egos, we understand that. But man up and accept that your girlfriend can be an achiever too. If she ever gets a promotion, do you tell her it’s because she’s sexy or because her boss likes her?

And secondly, when we’re trying to make a point or argue with you, don’t call us a drama queen or ask us whether it’s that time of the month. That’s just you being a sexist. If you can’t win a fight, don’t use a low blow.

#10 Comparing your girlfriend to someone else

We hate it when you compare us out of the blue to your ex or even one of our friends. “Why can’t you dress up like your friend Suzy?”, “My ex used to do that for me all the time…”, “You know, my friend Kat is so much more understanding that you are…”

Now that kind of a conversation is never going to end well. And your girlfriend will just have one answer for you. Then go the f**k out with her! And yeah, that’s the last thing you’ll hear from her until you apologize.

#11 When you don’t take care of your girlfriend

When men get ill, they may be capable of dragging themselves into bed and lying low until they feel better. But it doesn’t work that way with women. We need and absolutely love a lot of TLC.

If you’re ever nursing your girlfriend back to good health, try to be nice around her. Girls hate it when their boyfriends say they’ll hang out with them and start to act cranky after an hour. When you’re spending time with a sick girlfriend, don’t neglect her completely and stare mesmerized at the television, don’t roll your eyes when she asks you for more tissues or a foot rub, and definitely don’t get grumpy or grumble when she asks you for a second bowl of soup

Doing any of that hurts your girlfriend, infuriates her and makes her feel worse. If you can’t take care of her, make an excuse and get out, if possible out of her life!

#12 Boyfriends who love to postpone chores

One of the strangest things about guys is their ability to sink into a comfy couch and become a part of the furniture within minutes. And once a guy is comfortable on a couch, it’s almost impossible to drag him out, for any reason whatsoever!

And when a girl gives her boyfriend any chore or requests him to do anything, he assures her that he’ll do it in a bit, and that never really happens. If you can’t participate in any chores around the house or even pick up after yourself after dirtying the entire living room, go back to your *bachelor pad* and build a beer pyramid. Why the heck would you annoy your girlfriend by being a lethargic walrus?

#13 The angry boyfriend and his shortcomings

Girls hate annoying boyfriends who blame their shortcomings on their girlfriend. It’s pathetic and really irritating. Ever lost your way and blamed your girlfriend because she didn’t give you the right directions? Suffered a stomach ache and blamed your girlfriend because she chose the restaurant? Or my personal favorite, lost your erection and got limp in bed in the middle of a sexual romp and blamed your girlfriend because she wasn’t *into it*?

If you’re blaming your girlfriend because you’re an angry idiot, seriously, man up and take responsibility instead of blaming your girlfriend for her food choice, her built-in GPS system or her sexual vibes, will you?

So how many of these things do you indulge in? A few or almost all?

 You are free to add yours...

The Stranger Who Changed My Life: A Short Love Story

IN 1983, I was traveling with a tiny theater company doing vaudeville-type shows in 
community centers and bars—anywhere we could earn $25 each plus enough gas money to get to the next small town in our ramshackle yellow bus.

As we passed through Bozeman, Montana, in early February, a heavy snow slowed us down. The radio crackled warnings about black ice and poor visibility, so we opted to impose on friends who were doing a production of Fiddler on the Roof at Montana State University. See a show, hit a few bars, sleep on a sofa: This is as close to prudence as it gets when you’re an itinerant 20-something troubadour.

After the show, well-wishers and stagehands milled behind the curtain. I hugged my coat around me, humming that “If I Were a Rich Man” riff from the show, aching for sunrise and sunset, missing my sisters. What a wonderful show that was—and is.

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A heavy metal door swung open, allowing in a blast of frigid air, and clanged shut behind two men who stomped snow from their boots. One was big and bearlike in an Irish wool sweater and gaiters; the other was as tall and skinny as a chimney sweep in a peacoat.

“… but I’m just saying, it would be nice to see some serious theater,” one of them said. “Chekhov, Ibsen, anything but this musical comedy shtick.”

“Excuse me?” I huffed, hackles raised. “Anyone who doesn’t think comedy is an art form certainly hasn’t read much Shakespeare, have they?”

I informed them that I was a “professional shticktress” and went on to deliver a tart, pedantic lecture on the French neoclassics, the cultural impact of Punch and Judy as an I Love Lucyprototype, and the importance of Fiddler on the Roof as both artistic and oral history. The shrill diatribe left a puff of frozen breath in the air. I felt my snootiness showing like a stray bra strap as the sweep in the peacoat rolled his eyes and walked away.

The bear stood there for a moment, an easy smile in his brown eyes. Then he put his arms around me and whispered in my ear, “I love you.”

I took in a deep, startled breath—winter, Irish wool, coffee, and fresh-baked bread—and then pushed away with a jittery half-joke. Something like, “Watch it. I have pepper spray.” “OK,” he said with a broad baritone laugh. “Come for a walk, then. It’ll be nice.” I shook my head. Alarm and skepticism warred with spreading, unsteady warmth behind my collarbone. “Walking around in the freezing dark with a total stranger is not nice,” I said. I tipped a glance to the well-worn gaiters. “Planning to do some cross-country skiing?”

“Riding my bike,” he said, and then added without apology, “I’m between vehicles.”

He held the heavy door open expectantly. I moved the pepper spray from my purse to my coat pocket and followed my heart out under the clear, cold stars.

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 “What are you reading?” I asked, because that question always opens doors of its own. I was in the habit of asking the nuns at the bus stop, a barber who paid me to scrub his floor once a week, elderly ladies and children at the park. To this day, I ask people who sit beside me on airplanes, baristas at Starbucks, exchange students standing in line with me. Over the years, “What are you reading?” has introduced me to many of my favorite books and favorite people.

The bear had a good answer: “Chesapeake. Have you read it?”

“No, but I love James Michener,” I said. “When I was 12, I fell in love with Hawaii and vowed that if I ever had a daughter, I’d name her Jerusha after the heroine.”

“Big book for a 12-year-old.”

“We didn’t have a TV. And I was a dork.”

He laughed that broad baritone laugh again. “Literature: last refuge of the tragically uncool.”

“Same could be said of bicycling in your ski gaiters.”

The conversation ranged organically from books and theater to politics and our personal histories.

Having embraced the life of an artsy party girl, I was the black sheep of my conservative Midwestern family, thoroughly enjoying my freedom and a steady diet of wild oats. He’d spent a dysfunctional childhood on the East Coast. A troubled path of drug and alcohol abuse had brought him to one of those legendary moments of clarity at which he made a hard right turn to an almost monkish existence in a tiny mountain cabin. He’d built an ascetic life that was solitary but substantive, baking bread at a local restaurant, splitting wood for his heating stove, staying out of trouble.

“That probably sounds pretty dull to you,” he said.

“Agonizingly dull, but don’t worry,” I said, and then patted his arm. “Maybe someday you’ll remember how to have fun.”

He shrugged. “Maybe someday you’ll forget.”

We talked about the things people tend to avoid when they’re trying to make a good impression: hopes subverted by mistakes, relationships sabotaged by shortcomings. My bus was leaving in the morning, and we would never see each other again, so there was no need to posture.

Fingers and chins numb with cold, we found refuge in a Four B’s Restaurant and sat across from each other in a red vinyl booth. We had enough money between us for a short stack of buckwheat pancakes. A few morning papers were delivered to the front door, and we worked our way through the crossword puzzle, coffee cups between our hands.

The sun came up, and we emerged from Four B’s to discover a warm chinook blowing in. Already the eaves were weeping, icicles thinning on trees and telephone wires. This is what Montana does in midwinter: clears off and gets bitter cold, and then suddenly it’s as warm and exhilarating as Easter morning. Don’t believe it for a minute, you tell yourself as the streets turn into trout streams, but the sheer pleasure of the feeling makes a fool of you. You forget your scarf and mittens on a hook behind the door. You know it’s still winter, but that’s just what you know; the chinook is what you believe in.

The bear held my hand inside his coat pocket as we walked in silence back to the parking lot to meet my company’s bus. Before he kissed me, he asked me if I was ready. Ready for what I have no idea, but ready is how I felt. I was stricken with readiness. Humbled by it.

“I hope you have a wonderful life,” I told him.

“You too,” he replied before nodding stiffly and walking away.

The bus lumbered through the slush and labored over the mountains to a fading Highline town where we were booked to play a quaintly shabby old opera house. The guy at the box office immediately pegged me as a party girl who’d been up all night and invited me to go to the bar next door for a hair of the dog before the show, but I could not for the life of me remember why that used to sound like fun.

Later that evening, as I did my shtick out on the foot-lit stage, I heard the bear’s distinctive baritone laughter from somewhere in the audience. After the show, he was waiting for me by the door. I didn’t bother asking him how he’d gotten there. He didn’t bother asking me where I wanted to go.

I can’t endorse the idea of love at first sight, but maybe there are moments when God or fate or some cosmic sense of humor rolls its eyes at two stammering human hearts and says, “Oh, for crying out loud.” I married the bear a few months later in a meadow above his tiny cabin in the Bridger Mountains. We weren’t exempted from any of the hard work a long marriage demands, but for better or worse, in sickness and in health, that moment of unguarded, chinook-blown folly has somehow lasted 30 years.

We laugh. We read. I do dishes; he bakes bread. Every morning, we work through the daily crossword puzzle. Our daughter, Jerusha, and son, Malachi Blackstone (named after his great-grandfather and an island in Chesapeake Bay) tell us we are agonizingly dull.

Story by JONI RODGERS