7 Solutions That Can Save a Relationship

7 Solutions That Can Save a Relationship

 

It's the rare couple that doesn't run into a few bumps in the road. If you recognize ahead of time, though, what those relationship problems might be, you'll have a much better chance of getting past them.

Even though every relationship has its ups and downs, successful couples have learned how to manage the bumps and keep their love life going, says marriage and family therapist Mitch Temple, author of The Marriage Turnaround. They hang in there, tackle problems, and learn how to work through the complex issues of everyday life. Many do this by reading self-help books and articles, attending seminars, going to counseling, observing other successful couples, or simply using trial and error.

Relationship Problem: Communication

 

All relationship problems stem from poor communication, according to Elaine Fantle Shimberg, author of Blending Families. "You can't communicate while you're checking your BlackBerry, watching TV, or flipping through the sports section," she says.

Problem-solving strategies:

·         Make an actual appointment with each other, Shimberg says. If you live together, put the cell phones on vibrate, put the kids to bed, and let voicemail pick up your calls.

·         If you can't "communicate" without raising your voices, go to a public spot like the library, park, or restaurant where you'd be embarrassed if anyone saw you screaming.

·         Set up some rules. Try not to interrupt until your partner is through speaking, or ban phrases such as "You always ..." or "You never ...."

·         Use body language to show you're listening. Don’t doodle, look at your watch, or pick at your nails. Nod so the other person knows you're getting the message, and rephrase if you need to. For instance, say, "What I hear you saying is that you feel as though you have more chores at home, even though we're both working." If you're right, the other can confirm. If what the other person really meant was, "Hey, you're a slob and you create more work for me by having to pick up after you," he or she can say so, but in a nicer way.

Relationship Problem: Sex

 

Even partners who love each other can be a mismatch, sexually. Mary Jo Fay, author of Please Dear, Not Tonight, says a lack of sexual self-awareness and education worsens these problems. But having sex is one of the last things you should give up, Fay says. "Sex," she says, "brings us closer together, releases hormones that help our bodies both physically and mentally, and keeps the chemistry of a healthy couple healthy."

Problem-solving strategies:

·         Plan, plan, plan. Fay suggests making an appointment, but not necessarily at night when everyone is tired. Maybe during the baby's Saturday afternoon nap or a "before-work quickie." Ask friends or family to take the kids every other Friday night for a sleepover. "When sex is on the calendar, it increases your anticipation," Fay says. Changing things up a bit can make sex more fun, too, she says. Why not have sex in the kitchen? Or by the fire? Or standing up in the hallway?

·         Learn what truly turns you and your partner on by each of you coming up with a personal "Sexy List," suggests California psychotherapist Allison Cohen. Swap the lists and use them to create more scenarios that turn you both on.

·         If your sexual relationship problems can't be resolved on your own, Fay recommends consulting a qualified sex therapist to help you both address and resolve your issues.

 

Relationship Problem: Money

 

Money problems can start even before the wedding vows are exchanged. They can stem, for example, from the expenses of courtship or from the high cost of a wedding. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling (NFCC) recommends that couples who have money woes take a deep breath and have a serious conversation about finances.

Problem-solving strategies:

·         Be honest about your current financial situation. If things have gone south, continuing the same lifestyle is unrealistic.

·         Don't approach the subject in the heat of battle. Instead, set aside a time that is convenient and non-threatening for both of you.

·         Acknowledge that one partner may be a saver and one a spender, understand there are benefits to both, and agree to learn from each other's tendencies.

·         Don't hide income or debt. Bring financial documents, including a recent credit report, pay stubs, bank statements, insurance policies, debts, and investments to the table.

·         Don't blame.

·         Construct a joint budget that includes savings.

·         Decide which person will be responsible for paying the monthly bills.

·         Allow each person to have independence by setting aside money to be spent at his or her discretion.

·         Decide upon short-term and long-term goals. It's OK to have individual goals, but you should have family goals, too.

·         Talk about caring for your parents as they age and how to appropriately plan for their financial needs if needed.

Relationship Problem: Struggles Over Home Chores

 

Most partners work outside the home and often at more than one job. So it's important to fairly divide the labor at home, says Paulette Kouffman-Sherman, author of Dating From the Inside Out.

Problem-solving strategies:

·         Be organized and clear about your respective jobs in the home, Kouffman-Sherman says. "Write all the jobs down and agree on who does what." Be fair so no resentment builds.

·         Be open to other solutions, she says. If you both hate housework, maybe you can spring for a cleaning service. If one of you likes housework, the other partner can do the laundry and the yard. You can be creative and take preferences into account -- as long as it feels fair to both of you.

Relationship Problem: Not Making Your Relationship a Priority

 

If you want to keep your love life going, making your relationship a focal point should not end when you say "I do." "Relationships lose their luster. So make yours a priority," says Karen Sherman, author ofMarriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, and Make It Last.

Problem-solving strategies:

·         Do the things you used to do when you were first dating: Show appreciation, compliment each other, contact each other through the day, and show interest in each other.

·         Plan date nights. Schedule time together on the calendar just as you would any other important event in your life.

·         Respect one another. Say "thank you," and "I appreciate..." It lets your partner know that they matter.

Relationship Problem: Conflict

 

Occasional conflict is a part of life, according to New York-based psychologist Susan Silverman. But if you and your partner feel like you're starring in your own nightmare version of the movie Groundhog Day -- i.e. the same lousy situations keep repeating day after day -- it's time to break free of this toxic routine. When you make the effort, you can lessen the anger and take a calm look at underlying issues.

Problem-solving strategies:

You and your partner can learn to argue in a more civil, helpful manner, Silverman says. Make these strategies part of who you are in this relationship.

·         Realize you are not a victim. It is your choice whether you react and how you react.

·         Be honest with yourself. When you're in the midst of an argument, are your comments geared toward resolving the conflict, or are you looking for payback? If your comments are blaming and hurtful, it's best to take a deep breath and change your strategy.

·         Change it up. If you continue to respond in the way that's brought you pain and unhappiness in the past, you can't expect a different result this time. Just one little shift can make a big difference. If you usually jump right in to defend yourself before your partner is finished speaking, hold off for a few moments. You'll be surprised at how such a small shift in tempo can change the whole tone of an argument.

·         Give a little; get a lot. Apologize when you're wrong. Sure it's tough, but just try it and watch something wonderful happen.

"You can't control anyone else's behavior," Silverman says. "The only one in your charge is you."

Relationship Problem: Trust

 

Trust is a key part of a relationship. Do you see certain things that cause you not to trust your partner? Or do you have unresolved issues that prevent you from trusting others?

Problem-solving strategies:

You and your partner can develop trust in each other by following these tips, Fay says.

·         Be consistent.

·         Be on time.

·         Do what you say you will do.

·         Don't lie -- not even little white lies to your partner or to others.

·         Be fair, even in an argument.

·         Be sensitive to the other's feelings. You can still disagree, but don't discount how your partner is feeling.

·         Call when you say you will.

·         Call to say you'll be home late.

·         Carry your fair share of the workload.

·         Don't overreact when things go wrong.

·         Never say things you can't take back.

·         Don't dig up old wounds.

·         Respect your partner's boundaries.

·         Don’t be jealous.

·         Be a good listener.

Even though there are always going to be problems in a relationship, Sherman says you both can do things to minimize marriage problems, if not avoid them altogether.

First, be realistic. Thinking your mate will meet all your needs -- and will be able to figure them out without your asking -- is a Hollywood fantasy. "Ask for what you need directly," she says.

Next, use humor -- learn to let things go and enjoy one another more.

Finally, be willing to work on your relationship and to truly look at what needs to be done. Don't think that things would be better with someone else. Unless you address problems, the same lack of skills that get in the way now will still be there and still cause problems no matter what relationship you're in.

 

How To Be The Best Boyfriend -10 Traits that Matter

Figuring out how to treat your girlfriend with love and respect can be confusing at times. Find out how to be a good boyfriend and be the guy your girlfriend wishes you could be.

There are a few things guys need to understand when it comes to knowing how to be a good boyfriend.

While men and women don’t really think along the same lines in a relationship, it’s rather simple to understand what it takes to keep a relationship happy.

For most men, intimacy is sexual companionship, while it’s just not the same for women.

But if you can learn to see the world through the eyes of your girlfriend, you’ll be able to understand what it really takes to be a good boyfriend.

How to be a good boyfriend

One of the easiest ways to be a great boyfriend is to understand your partner and put yourself in your partner’s shoes.

But for an easier way out, here are ten tips on how to be a good boyfriend that can help you make all the difference in your love life.

1.     Treat her like a lady

Boyfriends aren’t born great. They become good boyfriends by knowing how to behave with women and the girl they love.

One of the first steps in getting the admiration of a girl you like is to treat her like a lady.

Learn to be chivalrous and understand what it takes to make her feel special.

It’s easy to play nice until you get the girl, and treat her like you don’t care once the chase is over, but guys who do that will never be able to hold on to a great girl who’s desired by all guys.

2.     Respect her as a person

You can’t expect your girlfriend to do everything you want or behave the way you expect her to, just because she’s your girlfriend. Remember that she’s just your girlfriend, you don’t own her and shouldn’t expect her to behave like a trained monkey just because she’s likes you or you’re getting some action in bed with her.

If you want to know how to be a good boyfriend, learn to treat your girlfriend with respect and pay attention to her needs. Don’t take her words lightly or ignore her advice just because she’s a ‘girl’. If you truly do love your girlfriend, you would respect her too.

And if you can’t respect her, it’s obvious it’s not love that’s holding the relationship together.

3.     Remember the special days

Do you ever forget your birthday? Of course, you don’t. You never forget your birthday because it’s a really special day that comes just once a year, right?

Don’t you think your anniversary is special too, or perhaps your girlfriend’s birthday? It’s really arrogant when a guy forgets a special occasion and then says it’s no big deal. If your own special day can be important, why can’t you understand that women give equal attention to their special days too. Try to make a conscious effort to understand your girlfriend and remember the special days if she’s indeed important to you.

4.     Be caring and affectionate

For men, what matters is physical intimacy and sex. For women, sex is equally important, but they do appreciate a lot of affection too. Just like sex matters to men, cuddles and affection matter just as much for women. Show your affection by spending time holding hands or sitting down in each other’s arms while having a conversation.

A warm hug and a few affectionate kisses mean more in love than wild sexual escapades. And it’ll help your relationship last longer too.

5.     Don’t take your girlfriend for granted

One of the most important aspects of knowing how to be a good boyfriend is to avoid taking your girlfriend for granted. If she gives you a foot massage or cooks a delicious meal for you over the weekend, just don’t take your girlfriend for granted and expect the same every weekend. In a great relationship, both partners have to understand the efforts of their lover and realize that every simple gesture is a sign of love and affection that should never be taken for granted.

Never ever take your girlfriend for granted or take a special gesture for granted. Instead, always learn to be thankful and appreciative of every single affectionate gesture.

6.     Support your girlfriend when she’s in need

All of us need a helpful hand when we’re in need. You don’t need to be clingy and become her Man Friday who’s there to answer her every beck and call. But when your girlfriend genuinely asks you for advice or help, be there to help her out.

Your weekend games or your male bonding time may be important to you, but on a rare occasion that your girlfriend asks you for a bit of help, make sure you’re by her side. It’s always reassuring for a girl to know that she can depend on her man for a helpful hand.

7.     Learn to apologize

Now this isn’t just isolated to boyfriends, but since we’re going over how to be a good boyfriend, we’ll stick to the man’s side of things. It may be egoistically painful to apologize, but sometimes, it’s a generous and yet humble move when a man can apologize to his girlfriend even if he’s not the one who’s wrong.

In the heat of an argument, it’s easy to get egoistic and have tempers flying on a high, but always remember that a simple apology can end the fight and help both of you communicate better. At times, apologize to your girlfriend even if it’s not your fault for the sake of the relationship. [Read: How to get a girl to like you]

P.S. You can always hint to your girlfriend that you’re still right when both of you are having a laugh after a few hours. It’ll help both of you sort your differences without getting blinded by anger or ego.

8. Listen to her needs

Communicate and understand her needs and wants. Try to understand your girlfriend’s feelings, and even if she ever does sulk or behave grumpily, try to understand what’s going on in her mind instead of retaliating back in anger. Sometimes, women may find it easier to sit by themselves or throw an angry fit instead of getting straight to the point. It’s one of the differences in the way men and women react to pain or anger.

Instead of getting angry over her behavior, realize that men and women are different in such cases and try to understand her mind without losing your cool. It’ll make her feel better, and you a lot more understanding over time.

9.     Don’t try to dominate her

Most guys have a tendency to dominate their girlfriends. It may start out subtly in little ways like watching a favorite show or telling the girlfriend to avoid speaking to a few particular friends. But eventually, the urge to control a partner grows to an uncontrollable level, especially after marriage and even more so if the man’s the sole breadwinner.

This is one of the worst ways of trying to hold a relationship together. Instead of trying to dominate, learn to communicate. You can’t cage a lover or try to manipulate them into becoming what you want them to be. Love is about the attraction between two individuals. If you try to change someone, it’s not love that’s holding both of you together, it’s your insecurity and cowardliness.

10 .Push your girlfriend to be a better person

If you want to know how to be a good boyfriend, this is as good as it gets. You know your girlfriend better than anybody else, flaws and all. Most guys assume a relationship is all about being happy and in love, and having a great time in bed. But that’s not where love ends.

Help your girlfriend become a better person and help her overcome her flaws. When both of you try to make each other better individuals by overcoming each other’s flaws, you can achieve more happiness and satisfaction out of life. Learn to positively criticize your girlfriend and help her with her flaws at the same time. By helping her become a better person, she’ll love you and respect you a lot more.

Any other things you want to add, express yourself.